Losing you
by gtgrandom
Summary: After Eren loses control of his titan form again, Mikasa is critically injured, and their relationship faces its greatest challenge yet. Eren x Mikasa. Rated T for language!
1. Chapter 1

**So yeah...this is because I currently have writer's block in all of my other stories, and I wrote this a while ago so I thought I'd put it up. Rated T for language, because between Eren and Levi...**

* * *

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not your dumb brother! I'm not this weakling you have to protect; I'm a fucking Titan! So leave me alone or quit treating me like your brother or your son. We're not even _family_!"

The moment the words left Eren's mouth, he wished he could tackle them and drag them back in. Anything not to see Mikasa's reaction. Not just because it might make him feel bad enough to comply with her demands.

He knew that last sentence would have hit her hard, like a ton of granite rocks, and he didn't want to see. Turning, he avoided her expression and stiffly walked away, missing the tears well inside her coal eyes.

It shouldn't have come out that way, but he was frustrated; she needed to stop being so damn clingy! She'd wanted him to stop fighting, to give up, and he couldn't believe his ears. How could she tell him to let go of everything they had fought for, to let all of those soldiers die in vain, to forget what happened to his mom?

She'd been paranoid about Hanji's warning – that transforming caused a stronger fusion between him and his titan body. It hadn't helped that the last few times he'd sunken deeper and deeper into the neck of his titan form, and it'd been more difficult to cut him out. Not to mention the one time he'd had a titan face for a side effect. So naturally, Mikasa had gone nuts when the Corporal explained the plans for the next expedition, involving Eren's badassery. She'd gotten into an argument with all of her superior officers, and even threatened the "midget." She and Eren had started fighting, and in the end he'd taken it too far. Again.

But right now he had no time for feelings. No time for regret.

He had to titans to kill.

* * *

Mikasa closed her slightly gaping mouth, the blood draining from her face. Eren stormed off, but for one of the few times in her life, she didn't attempt to follow. Not after what he had said.

_Not even family._

The words tore at her soul.

Mikasa knew he didn't feel the same way about her as she did about him. She'd known for a while now that the love she felt for him didn't parallel on a platonic or maternal level. Just the way he smiled sent jolts of electricity through her veins, made her want to hold him, touch him, even...kiss him.

But it was Eren. He saw her as this overprotective sister who loved him to death. Or so she had thought.

She bit her lip, staring at the sky to keep the tears from falling.

If she was nothing to him now, not even family—the one connection she was positive they somehow shared, even if her idea differed from his—then why on earth did _he_ mean so much to _her_?

She knew it, but she tried to keep it from bubbling to the surface.

It wasn't some debt she owed him that reasoned her ineffable love; it wasn't that he'd given her a home and saved her life. It was that he _was_ her life, every part of it. The idea of losing him made her spine crawl, made life on earth unthinkable, pointless. He was her purpose.

She knew deep down that she had to protect him because she'd never survive without him. How would she go on without him by her side?

Yes, it was selfish. But he was all she had. All she lived for.

And yet, while she'd follow him to hell and back, time and time again, would he even look back to see if she was still on his heels, to check and make sure she had tagged along as his shadow? Would he leave her behind in the dust?

Or had he done that already?

She didn't have any affirmative answers, but as time crawled on, she was beginning to question if he felt anything for her at all. She wasn't losing him to the war or to the cruelness of the world. She was losing him in an entirely, unexpected way.

* * *

No. What was he doing?

Mikasa felt like she was slapped by a sense of deja vu as Eren's Titan form paused in his rampage, eyeing her and Levi on the roof.

"Eren?" she asked, and his head whipped around, glaring at her with raging green eyes.

She swallowed. Eren was still in there, right? He hadn't become…attached?

She took a step forward, preparing to communicate with him—being one of the few who could reach him in this state—and then he roared a deafening scream.

And he attacked her.

His fist came flying through the tiles of the roof, and Levi moved with lightning speed to tackle her out of the way. But he was too late.

Brutal force collided with her left side, and she flew through the air, rubble and debris littering the sky and cutting her skin.

She rolled, biting down on her lip with the agony that ruptured through her abdomen. If she could get out of sight, Eren would get bored, and maybe he'd remember what he was doing, or at least Levi could cut him out.

But before she could consider a hiding place, another hand came soaring towards her.

She cursed and attempted to dodge, but her leg was caught and she heard the snap.

"Eren, please stop!" she begged, as a large shadow loomed over her barely-conscious figure.

* * *

Eren woke to chains and handcuffs.

Wow. Big Surprise.

Then he put the pieces together and remembered what they had been doing, his eyes shooting open.

Levi and Erwin stood before him on the other side of the room, glaring. Levi's swords were drawn, and he looked beyond pissed.

"What happened?" Eren asked slowly, fear prickling his nerves. Did the mission succeed? Did they complete the scouting voyage to the outer wall? Confusion struck his face. Why was he back at the cabin?

Levi lowered his weapons. "You're still the same idiot. I think we're safe."

Erwin nodded. "Eren, the plan failed."

"What? Why?"

They exchanged glances.

"You were doing fine. Great, actually. And then out of nowhere…you…"

Eren blanched. What? What did he do? Shit.

"You attacked Mikasa again."

"Wh-what?"

Fuck.

He had barely gotten over the last time he struck her in his titan form. In control or not, it didn't matter. He would never, ever live that down. And here he'd done it again.

"Is she alright?" he asked, once words could form properly in his mouth. The idea of her not being okay seemed ridiculous, but he thought he better check.

They didn't answer, and a shiver ran down his spine.

They didn't _answer_.

"Heichou…is she okay!?"

Levi tore his gaze away, eyes dark and weary.

Eren stood. "Heichou, answer me dammit! What's wrong with her?"

"You almost killed her...She's in a coma."

* * *

Eren thought his world ended right then and there. His heart snapped. His bones turned to mush. Not only had he critically injured—practically killed—one of humanity's strongest soldiers, but he'd hurt Mikasa. _Mikasa_!

His throat constricted and he felt like he might black out.

It couldn't be. He wouldn't go that far, right? And Mikasa couldn't possibly be comatose. She had to be fine. Had to be!

But Levi and Erwin wouldn't lie.

Mikasa was in a coma.

And he put her there.

He had difficulty breathing for a minute, trying to process the information. His knees felt shaky, and he was barely conscious of Erwin's attempt to steady him.

How could he have gotten so out of control to hurt her like that? Why didn't someone cut him out sooner? Could he ever stop messing up with her?

_Shit, breathe. Breathe, or you're going to die._

She would wake up, though. She'd be okay, and he could apologize for everything.

He reached for the wall, but it didn't offer the support he was seeking. Nothing could support him like she did.

What...what if she didn't wake up? What if she never woke up again, and it was all his fault?

What was the last thing he'd even said to her?

That's right. They'd had a fight. He'd said...he'd said they weren't family…that she should leave him alone.

His knees finally gave out.

He tried to speak but couldn't, and instead tears fell from his eyes.

* * *

Eren sat by her bedside for three days straight, sleeping little, and what sleep he did manage to obtain was filled with nightmares and guilt and a world without Mikasa.

He watched her chest rise and fall, rise and fall, with the frail beat of her heart. He scarf was gone. Missing. Eren could actually see the slim, smooth curve of her neck, and he knew she'd hate finding out she'd lost it.

Her ribs were broken, her lungs punctured, and her arm was fractured, but nothing compared to the fact that she couldn't wake up.

And he couldn't do a fucking thing to help her.

How could he save her from her own sleep? From herself? He was absolutely helpless, and his uselessness was killing him.

Armin tried to reason with him, tried to convince him it wasn't his fault, but Eren didn't respond. He refused to talk to anyone beside Hanji, and only for medical updates. So Armin brought him food and water and combed Mikasa's hair, since Eren had no clue what to do nor did he think she'd really care if she could...if she were...

He blinked back the river, and he squeezed her hand. He caressed the space below her thumb, just to let her know somehow that he was with her. The way she had for him. When he had been the one on the medical table, when he had been the one unaware. Unaware of everything.

He'd never completely understood the concept of 'not realizing what you have until it's gone', until now.

She was there for him every second of every day, granted a little too often, yet he never appreciated her like he should. He knew it, and it poisoned him. If he could just stop being an idiot repressing all his emotions, they wouldn't be here.

Mikasa meant more to him than words could describe, and that was probably the issue. Every time he tried to convey to her how he felt, she thought something was wrong, or asked him if he had eaten anything, and it pissed him off that she saw him as a stupid brother than what he really wanted her to see him as.

What that was, he didn't really know.

To him, Mikasa was home. She was a constant in his life, no matter what. Unwavering. Tangible.

And even though his feelings for her were cloudy, he knew a life without her meant no life at all.

* * *

Mikasa's eyes fluttered open, and Eren jolted awake at the movements, realizing she too was waking up.

He beamed so wide he might have torn his cheeks right open.

"Mikasa! YOU'RE AWAKE!"

He lunged to hug her when her eyes met his, and he halted.

She looked...terrified.

Of _him_.

"Mikasa…" he reached out to touch her arm, to assure her that it was all okay, but she flinched and wrenched her arm away.

"I…What…" She looked around frantically, twisting in the sheets, wincing at the pain. Then she glanced back at him with more fear than he had ever seen her display.

"What's wrong, Mikasa? It's me-"

A kind of realization struck her face, and then it morphed into alarm. "Get AWAY from me!" she shrieked, and he stumbled backwards from her reaction. She moved with difficulty to get as far away as possible on the mattress, staring at him with horror.

Eren felt his insides give way. Did she really think he was a monster? He'd expected her to act a little tense, but not this. She was the only one who didn't see him as some kind of killing machine. She was the only one who didn't avoid looking at his scarred hand. She was the only one who didn't treat him any differently. And he relied on that trust.

What was _happening_?

Levi and Hanji ran up to the door, their cheery faces (well, not Levi in particular) morphing into concern.

Mikasa started to hyperventilate.

Eren grabbed the scientist's arm, grip tight and desperate. "Hanji what's the matter with her?"

"I'm not sure….Mikasa, it's okay dear. You're safe here. It's-"

"Where is _here_?!" the soldier clenched the sheets in her hands, knuckles white and lip trembling.

Levi's eyes widened at the shrill of her voice. Stoic, level-headed Mikasa had disappeared. "Ackerman, we brought you back to headquarters…the cabin..."

"Headquarters?" she touched her head, blinking hard against the tears in her eyes.

Eren still felt like his heart had been ripped to shreds from her reaction. What the fuck was happening? "Does she have a concussion or something?"

Hanji sat next to the bed, observing Mikasa from a distance. "She may just be disorientated after the coma…I wouldn't be surprised considering..."

Levi stared at the shaking girl then directed his voice at Hanji. "Does this have something to do with Eren?"

The woman's glasses flickered. "You mean like some kind of post traumatic response?"

Mikasa lowered the sheets, trying to steady her breathing.

"Who's…who's _Eren_?"

* * *

**Dun. DUN. DUUUNNNNNN.**

**So I have a little more written, if you guys are into this story I'll add to it. Reviews are greatly appreciated!**

**BTW, there's probably a few mistakes here and there. I didn't even realize I had this story still and didn't really proof read.**


	2. Chapter 2

Eren froze, and all heads turned slowly towards the black haired teen.

Mikasa. Mikasa didn't know him. _Him_. The person she had untiring devotion towards. How could that even be possible?

Before they could respond, Sasha burst into the room, her hair bobbing in the air with enthusiasm. "Mikasa! You're okay! Thank goodness! Hey, Connie, Jean, Krista! She's awake!" She hollered. Levi grimaced, and after noticing everyone's countenance, her smile deteriorated.

Eren blew up. "What the hell do you mean, 'who's Eren'?!" he screamed, appalled and horrified and confused at the comment. He didn't even register Sasha's gasp.

"Jaeger," Levi cautioned, but the boy didn't hear him. He was too busy pouring out questions that no one could comprehend because he was speaking too quickly.

Then Mikasa started to cry, which alone proved that hell had frozen over. "I don't...I don't remember anything..." she shivered, and Eren wanted to hug her and comfort her, but he was too broken to work his legs.

"Ackerman..." said Levi, approaching her. "You are a soldier in the Survey Corps, you fight Titans, you're two best friends are Armin Arlert and Eren Jaeger, that brat shitting his pants over there. You were injured in our last expedition...I'm your commanding officer, Levi..."

The tears continued to pour. "I don't...I remember your faces...but..." Eren took a step towards her again, and she looked at him with all the hate and malice she could muster. "...get...away..."

"Mikasa..." he whispered, voice cracking. How could she not remember him?

"I said, GET AWAY!" she screeched again, her voice foreign and loud. Then Levi was pulling his denial fused form out of the room, through the shocked faces of those who had arrived at some point in the chaos.

* * *

Eren had never felt so lost before. At least when his mother had died, he'd had Mikasa. But now without her, he felt alone, and confused, and really, really, hurt.

She didn't know who he was.

Mikasa.

That someone he could always rely on, that someone who cared about him more than anyone, hated his guts for unknown reasons.

Shit. How could he function without her? How could she function without _him_? Armin had told him how recklessly she'd acted when he'd been eaten. That she'd practically committed suicide.

But this girl seemed to care less if he died and went to hell.

Levi threw him against the wall, snapping him back to reality.

He hadn't realized he was practically rage-quitting and crying at the same time, nose running slightly and eyes burning.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't fucking apologize. Just stop it. She just needs some space to figure things out."

Eren met his superior's eyes. Could the unemotional bastard actually be worrying about Mikasa too? Then again, she was the only one who came close to beating him in a brawl, the only one who matched his strength. She probably reminded him of Petra.

Then the words hit him. "You...you think she's going to stay like that? Without her memory?"

Levi frowned. "...I don't think so. Sometimes after a traumatic event, a person's brain will take over and block out anything...or anyone...involved. Mikasa just watched as her boyfriend, her brother, whatever you two freaks are, beat the shit out of her and tried to kill her. If that's the last thing she saw, along with all the bullshit you've put her through, how would you expect her to react?"

"But...it will go away."

"...we'll have to see..."

We'll have to see. Could he really survive that long?

* * *

No one spoke that night at dinner. Mikasa, bedridden, had not joined them this evening, and the empty chair beside Eren haunted him like a wraith toying with his fate.

Eren couldn't eat, and as he gave his helpings to Sasha, he could feel all eyes on him, watching, waiting for his next melt down. It pissed him off.

"Where's Jean?" asked Connie, breaking the silence. He motioned to the other empty chair at the table.

"Where do you think, brat?" answered Levi harshly, swishing his glass of water in boredom.

Eren balled his fists but said nothing.

He bet Jean was just ecstatic. Mikasa didn't remember any of them, Eren was out of the picture, and Horseface had a fresh start with her. Not that she'd fall for the guy. That jerk still didn't stand a chance.

Eren wrinkled his nose, twirling the fork in his hands. Why did he care about Jean so much? He was just giving Mikasa her meal. She needed to eat, so he was delivering her food. Nothing else. And so what if there was more? So what, if Mikasa talked to him, and not Eren? So what if she had a conversation with the _him_, but refused to look Eren in the eye? So what if she smiled at what he said, or even laughed at his humorless jokes? So what if she ended up falling in love –

"Eren!" Armin exclaimed, and Eren snapped out of his stupor.

"What?"

The blond stared at him, worry etched into his face. "You're bleeding!"

Eren glanced down at his left hand, raising his eyebrows at the fork jammed into his thumb. Blood leaked out around the wound, but he could feel no pain. He felt nothing.

* * *

When Mikasa saw the boy standing over her, his face, his eyes, she felt like she had fallen over a ledge and into a sea of fear. She didn't know him, but she did. The images raced across her vision as she drowned in the hate of his irises, the pain, the words, the raging titan form. She didn't know how that was possible, that he was a titan, but she had a strong hunch that she owed her injuries to him.

Her heart raced with fear, and as more people poured into the room, pieces started coming together, slowly. The boy screamed at her, and her fear resurged, followed by anger. He was dangerous. He had hurt her. And he probably wanted to again.

Before he could, the short man dragged him out of the room, kicking and screaming like a child.

After the noise died down, the woman—Hanji—suffocated her with questions, all of which she had little or no answers to. She knew that the information she gave her was correct; it fit into her brain like missing puzzle pieces. But it was only the frame of the puzzle, and the inside was left bare, without a picture.

The group of somewhat familiar faces left, and she was given time to rest.

More like time to cry.

* * *

Where her mind had been over the past couple days was a place she never wanted to return to. It scared her to close her eyes, for the dread of slipping back into that hazy state—that isolation—clenched her heart like a titan's fist. And she just so happened to know what that felt like.

Hanji had tried to explain to her that Eren wasn't a bad guy, and that she and him had actually been extremely close, but it just made her more confused, angrier at the entire situation, so the woman had dropped it.

Mikasa hated that boy...even if he hadn't done anything wrong.

In her dreams, he had hurt her; he had tried to kill her. He'd even stabbed two men repeatedly in front of her, too vivid to possibly be a figment of her imagination. He had murdered people – probably people she knew – right in front of her. She could still smell the blood, and her mind asked her body for permission to shut it out. It was too much.

Just the thought of him made her want to run away.

* * *

The next morning a bundle of blond hair entered and sat by her side, holding a book.

"Mikasa..." he said softly.

Images flashed, danced, and swam. Yellow hair and smiles, curiosity and determination. Tender touches and sympathy.

"...Armin?" she gambled, unsure.

The boy broke into a smile. "You remember! That's good. But you look paler than usual. Do you want something to eat?"

She shook her head. How could she eat knowing she'd lost her memories?

He sighed with understanding, settling his eyes on hers. "Do you want me to tell you about yourself?"

Her eyes widened a little. "Do you know me well?"

He looked a little hurt at that comment, but he brushed it off. "I know too much, to be honest..." He scooted closer in the chair. "Let's see...your name is Mikasa Ackerman. I met you when we were only nine, back when we lived in the outer wall. You had been living with Eren for about a year—"

She flinched at the name, and her eyes narrowed. Armin was a friend to that _monster_?

He backtracked. "Let's just use a code name for him, alright? How about, Dumbass? It seems fitting."

Her glare didn't falter. He sighed.

"I know you're confused about what to feel towards him, and I know you won't believe me when I tell you this, but before all of this happened, you two were attached at the hip. You cared about him more than anyone in the entire world. You guys were like family..."

What? To that beast? The "family" that tried to kill her? Yeah. Okay.

But this boy was kind. His features were kind, and his aura was kind. He gave off an essence of intelligence as well, and she liked him immediately. She could trust him. Except maybe that last part.

"Dumbass sounds good...go on…"

* * *

"So then, Dumbass decided to finally join the military, and we followed him..."

"Why? Why would we follow him? Did he force us?"

"NO, Mikasa. He was our friend. He _is_ our friend."

"He's not my friend," she hissed, and Armin paled.

Eren's shoulders sagged a little more. He'd been listening…okay, _eavesdropping_…on their conversation, sitting just outside the door. Mikasa really didn't remember him. She seemed a little conflicted, which was a sign of hope, but she still hated him. She couldn't even say his fucking name!

"Anyway…Dumbass really wanted to avenge his mother's death, and it had been his dream to join the Recon Corps. But that's not the true reason he joined…" Armin shrugged. "He wanted to see the outside world, beyond the walls. I think fighting was just his way of reaching that goal."

Mikasa was silent. Contemplative, perhaps? Eren pressed his forehead into the wall, straining his ears.

"He told us he wanted to see the ocean once, Mikasa. Do you remember? He wanted to take us to the sea, the giant —"

"—body of salt water. I remember that…" she whispered.

Eren gasped, shifting his posture excitedly. But the floor creaked noisily and the room grew eerily silent.

He swore silently, and he tried to control his rapid breaths.

"It's probably just rats," said Armin, and Eren could tell the change of octave in his voice. Could it be amusement, maybe? No doubt he knew he was there, listening to every word he said.

"…How did I get here, in this bed, Armin?"

Silence.

"No one seems to want to tell me, but I know he did it."

"Mikasa...I..."

"Hey, Eren!" said a terribly loud voice behind him, causing him to freeze with dread. "How long have you been standing there? Are you waiting to speak with Mikasa?"

He felt like strangling Hanji right then and there. He gave the woman a death glare, and she blinked at him in surprise, backing away quickly.

The room had gotten silent again, and he knew he was busted.

"…Is that what this is, Armin? Are you just trying to make him sound like some kind of hero? Are you just doing him a favor and telling me lies about our childhood while he waits outside and hides?"

"What? Mikasa how could you say that?"

"I knew he was the one. He was the one who did this to me, and yet you're his friend! How could you be his _friend_?! He's a monster!"

"Mikasa you don't understand, he was a titan when he did that to you—"

"Armin."

"He didn't know what he was doing! He —"

"Just...please go away. I don't want to see anyone right now."

Armin's eyes grew damp, but he complied with her wishes and left the room. He looked sadly at Eren, who was slumped against the wall, curled into himself.

* * *

That night Eren was jolted awake by a scream.

Mikasa.

He knew that scream anywhere, which was strange, considering he was pretty positive he'd never heard it before.

He darted down the hallway and barged into her room, only to slide to a haphazard stop in his socks. She was crying, hard. The tears glistened off her face, and he hadn't seen her like that since the early days after her parents died.

And Jean was already there, comforting her in an embrace as she shook against his chest.

Replaced. He'd been replaced.

Eren used to make her feel better when she had nightmares. He'd hold her until she stopped sniffling, and they'd fall asleep in each other's arms. At first it was more like toleration, and he'd reluctantly-only-not-really share his bed. Anything not to see her cry. But when the nightmares began to haunt him as well, they became each other's pillows, each other's defenses against the visions. She'd grown so used to sleeping in his bed that when they joined the military, they'd both struggled to sleep without one kicking another or snoring in the other's ear.

He used to be the one to wipe away her tears.

Now he was most likely the source of her bad dreams, not the cure.

And as he stood there, heart hollow and cracked, Mikasa didn't even register his presence.

* * *

"From her most recent tests, it looks as though her memory has improved greatly. She remembers all of our names, her time as a trainee, and the reasons behind the last few expeditions. Physically, her injuries are healing at a rapid rate, and she has regained most of her appetite. Overall, she's doing a lot better—"

"How can you say that?!" Eren barked. The room quieted at his outburst. "She still doesn't remember anything about me, or us, or what we've been through!"

Hanji stared at him with pained eyes. The rest of the people in the room shifted uncomfortably. "I know, Eren. I know this must be difficult."

"Difficult?! She _hates_ me, Hanji!" his voice radiated his agony, but he couldn't hide it. The pain was in his eyes, in the dark circles beneath them. "She hates me..."

Out of nowhere Sasha seemed to materialize, hugging him from behind. He tried to glare at her, but failed, and resigned to her touch.

"She doesn't hate you, Eren. I promise."

He didn't pull away. He just closed his eyes, begging for this terrible event to go away.

Hanji cleared her throat. "Mikasa's brain has blocked out all of the terrible events in her life. In that process, her memories of you have become warped by her unconsciousness fighting back. It's like memory soup, Eren. There are too many ingredients that separating them into their natural elements is a long, trying process. All I can tell you is that creating familiar environments can help people with amnesia remember a great deal of things. You and Armin have been doing all that you can. The rest is up to her."

* * *

Here goes nothing.

"Hey…" he said, awkwardly. Rarely had things ever been awkward around Mikasa. She'd known how to drop a subject and he'd known how to forget it. But…was this how it would be from now on? That thought made Eren visibly cringe.

She didn't respond, regarding him instead with critical eyes.

He sat down on a chair at the other end of the room, opposite of her. Her spine was still rigid and her body alert, but she didn't scream at him or tell him to leave. That seemed like a good sign.

"How…how are you feeling?"

She shrugged. "Better."

He nodded. "That's…good." His eyes flickered suddenly to her stomach. _Please tell me you haven't been doing crunches…the old Mikasa would be worried sick about her strength._

"Jean told me that you saved my life."

Eren looked up, incredulous. The _hell_? Why would Jean do that?

"I…well, yeah. Only a couple times." His voice was raw, uncertain.

She narrowed her eyes. "He also told me you tried to kill me, twice."

Yeah okay. That sounds more accurate.

"Mikasa…the only times I ever hurt you-"

"So it's true then. You did try to kill me. I knew it."

"Mikasa, you've got it all wrong. Just listen for a second!"

"No." Her voice softened, and she almost sounded like herself. "I...I think we're done here."

Eren opened his mouth and then closed it. How could he possibly make her understand? He didn't deserve her forgiveness, but he wanted it. He wanted it so, so badly.

The old Mikasa would have forgotten about it already. She would be scolding him for not eating all of his dinner, or prompting him to be more careful. But was that just because she was blinded by her affection for him? Was this fearfulness how she always felt about him, underneath the façade? He'd never really talked to her about the first time he'd hurt her in his titan form. It'd been too painful to bring up. Maybe she really was afraid of him.

A tear rolled down her cheek, and he stiffened. "I'm sorry," he said. It was all he could say that could sum up how he felt. He knew it wasn't enough.

She didn't look at him, or even seem to hear him.

It was no use. He'd lost her.

He got up to leave. "I wish I could make you see things the way they were. I wish I could help you remember…" he said. He was on the edge of another breakdown; it was evident in his voice.

"…Maybe I don't want to remember."

* * *

Eren collapsed onto the mattress and buried his face into the pillow. He cursed until his voice ran hoarse, and when he needed to breathe, he rolled onto his back, staring at the wooden ceiling. God dammit.

He was falling apart without her.

He couldn't fucking focus on any of the training. He couldn't transform, and he couldn't use his 3D gear. Levi had practically killed him at combat practice. All he could think about was her. And everyone knew it.

Jean walked into the room, and hatred bubbled in Eren's stomach. "I fucking hate you, you know that?"

Jean shrugged, knowing immediately why Eren was being so rash. "I just told her the truth. Doesn't she deserve to know what you've done to her? How you've hurt her? She's not in that state for no reason, Eren!"

The words hit home, and Eren looked down, eyes going red.

"For three years I've dealt with your crap. I've let the way you treat her slide, because she adored you anyways, and if anyone tried to point out to her what a dick you were, she'd defend you. But you went too far this time, Eren. Every time you get near her, you hurt her in some way. So maybe _you_ should be the one to leave her alone, huh? Did you ever think of that?"

Eren felt hot tears wage war against his eyelids. Jean was right. He should just stay away.

* * *

He kicked the tree.

It didn't really help relieve any of his anger. If anything, it boosted it because he was pretty sure he'd just broken his foot.

It was midnight, and he had needed to get away from it all. He needed to figure it all out. Or let it all out. He wasn't sure which.

It was hard not to think about the future. Everyone kept telling him to be patient, to wait for Mikasa to come to, but no one wanted to think about what the end of the road could look like. If she never regained her full memory, would she still even be in the Survey Corps? After all, she joined because of him, so if he was out of the way, would she leave? And if she left to live a peaceful life in the inner walls, would he ever see her again, after all of this ended? Could it even end, without her? She was humanity's second strongest soldier, worth at least a hundred men. Battling the titans without her would be a whole lot harder.

Where would she go? What would she do? He wished he had thought of asking her opinion about things once in a while. He really was a dumbass.

* * *

Levi watched Eren roam around the edge of the forest, shouting obscenities and then wiping his eyes. It was pitiful.

But he couldn't say he didn't relate.

Losing his entire squad, his friends, had taken its toll. Others might not be able to tell. They might call him heartless, call him hardened to any form of death. Those might be true to some degree, but he did miss them, and in his own way, he'd grieved his fair share.

He'd felt guilt beyond any other emotion. He knew it was wrong for him to be alive, and for the others to be dead, without even a proper burial. They'd all had family, had loved ones. But he didn't have anyone. He wouldn't hurt anyone other than himself by getting killed.

Yet there was a small comfort in knowing they were dead. At least now, he could be sure they weren't missing or weren't struggling to stay alive. At least they weren't incapacitated, or suffering under the glare of death.

They were, in some ironic sense, safe.

Eren, on the other hand, was losing his best friend in an entirely different, if not worse, kind of way. He had Levi's guilt, and Levi's loss, but the uncertainty was dragging itself out, slowly destroying the boy, like a poisoned arrow.

Levi had always felt a kind of connection with Mikasa. He wasn't sure what it was exactly, but it scared him. The protectiveness he felt when she was in trouble, the ache he felt when she was hurt. It was real. And it was not a good sign.

He couldn't risk losing another person he cared about.

Never again.

* * *

**And the plot thickens... lol. Leave a review pretty please?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yay, an update! Oh and SPOILERS for the manga (I kind of warped the story in my own way...but if you don't want to read it I can message you and fill you in on what happens in this chapter, spoiler free). I'm pretty sure this story will only have one more chapter though. I might continue it as a bunch of drabbles and one-shots. We'll see.**

* * *

Eren didn't think he was being _that_ creepy.

Armin disagreed, but he didn't understand. Armin could talk to her during the day. Eren couldn't. He could only see her at night, when she slept.

So for the past few nights, unable to sleep anyways, he had made his way out of the boys' room and into the master bedroom. Where Mikasa was.

He'd brought her food yesterday, but she'd glared at the wall the entire time and refused to make eye contact.

This was the only time he could see her and not feel his heart physically split in two.

He sat down in the chair that was much too frequently occupied by Jean, and leaned on his knees. He studied Mikasa, and the way she breathed more easily now, and how her eyelids fluttered as she dreamt. He watched how her mouth moved just slightly, her lips pursing and relaxing, as if she were speaking to someone. Her light skin reflected the moonlight, glowing softly in its gradient blue hues, and Eren swallowed at the smoothness of her limbs. He knew that her hands were strong, and that her palms were calloused and rough, but he longed to feel her fingers thread through his again, like they used to.

He longed to see her watching him out of the corner of her eyes.

He longed to hear her say his name.

Suddenly, her hands clenched the sheets in an iron grip, and her mouth opened into a silent scream. "...don't..." she mumbled. "...Eren..."

Eren froze, his throat closing up. Shit. He couldn't hear this.

"...don't..." she repeated, her eyes dancing beneath her lids frantically. She gasped, thrashing violently in the bed. She kicked off the sheets, her hands covering herself, as though in defense. "No!"

It made him want to puke. She was terrified of him, even in her dreams.

Out of instinct, he reached out to her, but he stopped himself. If she woke up now, right after this nightmare, and saw him standing over her, she'd flip out, and probably break his neck.

Bitterly, he withdrew his hand and sat back, watching the sweat bead on her skin.

"Mikasa..." he whispered softly, eyes rimmed with tears. "Mikasa, you're okay. Everything is going to be okay. I promise..." he bit his lip, looking out the window at the stars. "I'm going to tell you a story, okay?"

She shivered, but the thrashing had faltered, and she resorted to a whimper.

"So when you first came to live with me, you had never really gone out in public before, since you lived in the woods most of your life and everything. Anyway, we went to the market a few days later, and you just walked right up to a stand and took an apple off the cart. You turned to me and said that you'd never eaten a green apple before, and then you bit right into it, right in front of the salesman! The guy flipped out and demanded money that we didn't have, and you started to cry, so I took the apple and chucked it at him for being a scary piece of shit and we ran so fucking fast…I told you that you can't just take things, that you have to pay for it..It's kind of a universal rule, actually. You can't just expect to get something so precious without working for it, without _deserving_ it…"

Eren glanced back at Mikasa suddenly, letting out a breath as he watched her contorted face soften and relax.

He grabbed one of the folded blankets off the dresser and draped it over her. "It was our little secret; we never told anyone what happened, not even Armin. And then we went home. To our home."

* * *

"Pssst."

Eren waved at the sound's general source, moaning and shifting his head over in his arms.

"Eren, wake up! You need to eat your food! Or Sasha's going to take it."

Eren opened his eyes to meet Armin's. The group was eating lunch in the cabin, escaping the direct heat of midday. It had been a quiet day, with not much to do. At first, hiding out in the woods had been a little relaxing, a little enjoyable, but the teens were wired for action, and nothing of the sort had happened in the last few days.

"I'm not hungry," Eren replied, doubting if he'd really ever be hungry again.

Armin patted him on the back, finding no need to ask him why.

Sasha turned to Connie then, a pleading look in her eyes. "Gah, you're so weird," he murmured, and she took that as approval to start wolfing down Eren's sandwich.

"Hey, Hanji. Has there been any news from Erwin?" Armin asked, making his way around the table to collect trash.

The woman chugged the last of her water. "No. He's left Levi and me in the dark about a lot recently. We're stuck here until further notice." The group exchanged glances, but Hanji didn't pay any attention. "Speaking of Levi, where is the little shit?"

"He was scouting the perimeter, the last time I checked," said Connie, eyeing Sasha and her food-loaded cheeks warily. He handed her a napkin and she thanked him, sending crumbs in all directions.

"So, Eren I was..." Hanji trailed off, observing as the boy fell face first into the table, snoring.

* * *

"Ackerman. I need to talk to you. Jean, beat it."

"But sir—"

"Out."

The teen left the room begrudgingly, smiling apologetically at Mikasa before he disappeared down the hallway.

Mikasa didn't exactly understand that guy. He was really nice to her. Honest. He seemed to know just what to say. But he appeared to feel something for her that she simply couldn't reciprocate. And she had a hunch that she never had and never would.

"Heichou?"

"Ah, so you forgot the 'midget' nickname, did you? Too bad, I had actually grown used to your mocking disrespect."

Mikasa blinked.

"…right. I just came here to…ask you for a favor." The captain ran his finger along the windowsill and almost growled at the dust on his glove. "Eren has lost his mind...I always knew you were his rock, but I never imagined how lost he'd be without you there to wipe his ass or tuck him in at night."

Mikasa wasn't sure if the man was joking. He wore the same bored expression throughout his speech.

"He's falling apart, and I can't have that. He's humanity's last fucking hope, and I only agreed to bring your ass along because I knew you'd keep him level headed. If you're not there, I don't know how he will behave, what he will do. If you're not there, he's going to die. So…if you could at least attempt to not act like you want to murder him..."

She bristled. What was this? Was everyone on this kid's side? On this _Titan's_ side? He didn't seem so special.

Levi gave her an annoyed, exasperated frown. "He can't train worth crap. He hasn't been sleeping. Or _eating_…"

Eating? She blinked. That's not smart. He needed to eat, or he'd die. That was a rule.

She leaned against the wall. Was this all really because of her?

She remembered seeing his face the other night. He'd run to her room after she screamed, and he'd made that face. It was shock, and disappointment, and worry all in one. It had struck a memory from before. And then his eyes had narrowed, and he'd left.

Then this morning she had woken up with a blanket on her shoulders, while all the other sheets lay sprawled on the ground. She'd inquired this of Jean and Armin, but they didn't know what she was talking about. _Someone_ had put it there.

And Armin had told her more about her past, more about how Eren was practically her only family. About their adventures, and dreams, and experiences.

Maybe…maybe he wasn't so dangerous after all, then. Maybe Armin was right, and her memories of him were just warped and blown to kingdom come.

It would be difficult, but maybe worth it.

"I'll…I'll try, Heichou."

"I know."

He nodded and turned to leave, but he stopped, craning his head sideways. "Mikasa," he said quietly, and despite not remembering most of her life she knew without a doubt he had never called her that. "Are you…er….feeling okay? Brat?"

She cocked her head to the side. "I'm feeling okay, Heichou…"

He turned his head back around. "….Good. Then you should be able to start cleaning soon."

* * *

"So, Eren...are you just going to give up?"

Eren snapped his head around at Armin.

"What?"

"Are you just giving up on her?"

Eren hadn't seen Mikasa in about two days; of course his best friend had caught on.

"Armin...you saw the way she acted around me. She doesn't want to see me. It's for the best this way."

Armin threw his hands in the air, and Eren raised his eyebrows. "Eren, she lost her memory! How can you just let her forget you?"

"You don't understand, Armin."

"_I_ don't understand? You've got to be kidding me! I've been with you two for five years. Mikasa never left your side, ever. Do you think if you were the one in there right now, lost, scared, alone, that she'd just shrug it off and let you continue being lost and scared and alone? No. She'd do everything in her power to make you remember."

Eren's eyes bled with more unshed tears. Was that going to be a regular thing now? Because he'd die of dehydration before getting killed by a titan.

"Eren, you can't just let her live on without you. Before, you were the only thing keeping her going!"

"Armin—"

"No! Right now, you're the one thing that can bring her back. You heard Hanji. A similar environment can make her come back to us! What's a similar environment without you there?"

"I—"

"She's counting on you. I'm counting on you. I don't care what it takes, but you better not turn your back on the one person who has always loved you."

Eren froze, the wires in his brain short-circuiting. "What?"

She didn't...she doesn't... Sure she cared for him more than other people, but it was…it wasn't…

"God, Eren, you're so dense it's not even funny."

He stood up. "Are you sure that she..._loved_ me?"

Armin nodded.

"But, are you _sure_? Or is it just another one of your 'inferences' and shit?"

"Eren. I know. It was obvious. To everyone. Plus she told me once, after I called her out on it, of course."

Eren felt his chest shake under the weight of this information. How long had she felt like that? How _could_ she have felt like that about him? He'd had it all wrong.

He'd been such an idiot. A complete and utter idiot.

"What...what do I do, Armin?"

The blond sighed. "First of all, figure out how you feel. You don't want to go in there without knowing. And then go talk to her. Actually talk."

Eren bit his lip. "Alright, thanks Armin."

* * *

Eren grabbed a horse and took off.

He wasn't supposed to leave without informing anyone, but he needed to get out of that cramped cabin and get some fresh air. Some fresh thoughts circulating.

The idea that Mikasa loved him had him on a high. He couldn't stop smiling.

He'd known she felt strongly about him ever since they met. They had that unbreakable bond, that private history that no one else understood. But he'd never really analyzed her actions. He'd always assumed her devotion was out of debt, that her overprotectiveness was sisterly.

He'd never crossed that line of _love_, real love. But now, the barrier was broken. The border had been wiped away, like a sand castle's fortress by a wave.

And he could let his feelings out for once.

Feelings he knew he had, buried ones that had emerged over the last couple days, pulled up front and center.

He loved her?

Hell yeah he did. He fucking loved her to the sea and back. Probably too much for his own good.

But things were different now. He couldn't just open up and confess his feelings. She didn't even remember how she felt. And he couldn't handle rejection. He didn't know what he'd do if Mikasa were to live a life without him, or with Jean.

The horse suddenly halted, and he realized they'd reached the thinning edge of the woods. A clearing spread before them, ending after a few hundred yards next to a large gorge severing the land in two.

It was too revealing, too silent.

The horse whinnied, and the sound echoed through the air and the stale, bare landscape. Something didn't feel right.

"Shhhh," he soothed, patting it on the side. But the steed shook its head and paced nervously.

Eren sensed it before he saw it.

The way his shoulders tensed, and his neck prickled. The way his nose flared with a familiar scent. One he could never forget.

Then he watched it clamber out of the trees to his right, his breath catching, his hands falling to his sides.

It was_ the_ titan.

The one that took his mother away from him.

Eren hissed with rage and jumped off the horse, eyes glimmering with tears. His world had dissolved into a radial blur, the center ring the only clarity, the only important aspect. There was only one thing in his sight and on his mind:

He'd finish this bastard off once and for all.

As he opened his mouth, he hesitated. Shit. What if he lost control again? What about Mikasa? What if he turned, and he didn't come back to being Eren?

He couldn't just abandon her in that state...

The titan cocked its head in the opposite direction before spinning slowly to face him, nose in the air, and plastered grin as wide as ever.

No. He had to fight. Or he couldn't win. _Take your own medicine for once. Fight, or die trying. This is the beast that killed Mom. It ate her._

He bit into his flesh and the familiar blast of light illuminated the sky.

He breathed in the fury, feeling his muscles expand and his cells multiply and augment. The steam engulfed him, temporarily masking his vision of his opponent. He panted heavily, aware—sickly aware — of what he needed to do.

This was it. This was his chance to avenge her. To get back at the world that had toyed with his life.

Eren screamed, blind with the hatred and the raw emotion within him, and he attacked in a wild series of punches and bites and kicks, lifting the enemy up again just so he could knock it back down. He wanted to drag it out. He wanted that titan to bleed. To feel the pain, to endure it.

Eren saw red and only red. He smashed the titan to pulp, he tore it to pieces. He screamed and cried internally, his chest breaking, his heart trembling under the ineffable mass of abhorrence.

The titan barely fought back; it seemed too careless to even try. And that only enraged Eren further. _Fight, you fucker! Fight me!_

As his fist collided with the burning skin for the hundredth time, he finally broke down, realizing that the steaming pile of flesh was nothing recognizable anymore.

He fell to his knees before the pile of steam, staring down at his hands, or what was left of them. They were practically nubs, beaten down from the impact of his thrashing.

Eren was a monster. The Titan that had destroyed his life, that had snatched his mother away from him, had taken his humanity along too.

What would his mom think? She hated violence. She hated war. And that was his purpose now—his primary existence. A killer. A soldier. A monster.

What had he become? What was left of him worth saving?

He had devoted his life to revenge, and now that he had the first sip of it...it tasted bitter. It tasted unsatisfactory against his tongue, like an unripe fruit or a spoiled vegetable.

He was emotionally overwhelmed, and the fight had done nothing for him but refresh his memories of his mother and how she had died, her last words, her last touches and glances. Agonized, he screamed once more – a pained, exhausted cry of surrender, and then he hung his head, ashamed to look at the sky and those who had watched his life unravel.

Suddenly, the trees before him rumbled. The leaves shook and fell to the ground, and the numbness inside of him shrank to make room for attentiveness.

_Idiot_.

He'd brought them here with his roaring. He'd attracted way too much attention.

Eren backed up; there were too many, he could feel it. He would die if he tried to fight them in this state. His feet brushed the edge of the chasm. He stared at the canyon, eyes wide with realization.

It was a long way down. Even for a Titan.

Think. _Think_.

That instant, a herd of titans emerged from the woods, racing towards him in a mad frenzy. There were at least a dozen, most of them abnormal. He'd never make it.

If only he could create some kind of distraction.

Eren glanced down at his regenerating hands, at the veins pulsing through his fresh skin. That's it.

He needed to get out of his titan form. If he could use his body as a decoy, he could climb out the neck and get away. Hopefully.

He willed his body to detach, his mind to let go and release the anger inside of him.

But nothing happened.

What the hell?

He was mentally stable, he was aware of his actions. He should be able to get himself out. He'd done it before! Why couldn't he get out?!

The first of the titans sprang at him, and he kicked it back towards the mass, a pile of rocks beneath him giving way under his feet and falling into the deep void below.

_Come on. Hanji's prediction couldn't be right. You have control over your powers. You aren't fused into this titan form. You aren't. _

It wasn't working and he was running out of time. He couldn't die here alone. He couldn't die without seeing her again.

_Mikasa needs you. Mikasa loves you. You have to get back to her. You fucking have to!_

He screamed, pulling, straining to free himself. And as he pictured her dark hair, her coal irises full of light, he felt the connection snap. Fresh oxygen greeted his lungs as he sprung from his titan form's back, dangling upside down above the narrow gulley and the jagged river. Before he could think about completely severing the tendons from his legs, the titans came at him full force. He screamed something like "fuck no" at the top of his lungs, and instead of latching onto him and devouring him like he'd expected, the titans skidded to a stop.

They stopped –actually stopped – in front of his titan's decaying corpse.

Eren hung limply in disbelief, craning his neck to see. The _hell_?! Why were they just staring at him with blank faces? Why weren't they fighting?

Had _he_ done that?

Before he could process what was happening, his titan form buckled, the bones and steaming flesh unable to sustain itself. The skeleton crashed, and toppled over the edge, carrying Eren—still attached by the leg—along with it.

Eren fell towards his end. A swirl of browns and blacks and blues swamped his vision, and the world above him shrunk into a small, unattainable dot. The only thing on his mind was of Mikasa and the fact that she would never remember him.

He didn't even get to say goodbye.

* * *

"Has anyone seen Eren?" asked Connie.

The others shrugged and shook their heads.

"Wait, he hasn't gotten back yet?" asked Armin, eyes growing large. "It's almost sundown!"

"Who hasn't gotten back from where?" demanded Levi, entering the room. He had been cleaning again, (big surprise), and he hastily loosened his cravat.

"Eren's missing!" shrieked Sasha, hysterical. Connie rolled his eyes, but patted her on the back nonetheless.

"_What_?"

The voice made the room fall dead silent. As one, the group gawked at the person standing on the stairwell. Well, all but Levi, who looked mildly surprised, and a tad amused, although no one could tell.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing out of bed?" he asked.

"What happened?" Mikasa replied, ignoring him, and for once actually sounding like herself. Concerned for Eren.

"Mikasa, how are you even walking right now?" asked Jean, hurrying to her side and grabbing her arms to help her down. She blinked at him, and he smiled sheepishly, quickly removing his hands.

"What happened?" she repeated.

Armin gulped. "No one has seen him since about four hours ago?"

"That brat isn't supposed to wander off..." Levi murmured. "Did he speak to you, Arlert?"

Armin nodded, glancing briefly at Mikasa. "Yeah, he was going to get a bit of fresh air, but he should be back by now. Way back."

Sasha grabbed her hair. "Oh my God! What if he was taken by Reiner and them?! What if the Military Police found him, and they're torturing him?! What if—"

"Shut up." Mikasa and Levi both responded. Sasha squeaked.

Then Hanji entered the cabin door, whistling. She raised her eyebrows at the group before her. "Anyone seen my little ball of sunshine, Eren? One of the horses is gone, and we were supposed to be about twenty minutes into an experiment..."

"He took the horse!" Sasha wailed.

"No shit," said Jean. "That means he could be anywhere right now. I wouldn't worry over it. He's probably just throwing a hissy fit over Mikasa again."

"Jean, how can you say that!? You don't know what he's been through!" yelled Armin defensively.

"Yeah, Jean, like you're one to talk!" shouted Connie. The group burst into a discharge of arguments and chiding remarks.

"Everybody shut the hell up!" commanded Levi, the room quieting. "We'll split up and search the area for him. Eren's reckless, but he's not stupid. He knows he should be back already. That can only mean one of two things: he's in trouble, or he's dead."

The others shrank at the truth of his words, and silently filed out the door. Mikasa shifted awkwardly in the corner.

"You stay," Levi ordered.

"But—"

"If he comes back, someone needs to be here."

"But—"

"No buts. That's an order."

"You're impossible!"

"So I've been told. Don't burn down the cabin."

"Jerk."

"Brat."

She glared at him, and he slammed the door shut.

_Midget_, she thought back bitterly. Mikasa descended the stairs and sat down at the table, her hands in her lap.

She still had a bandage around her head, and the sticky tape was driving her insane. She wanted nothing more than to drag her hand through her hair, to run outside, to feel normal.

She stared at the door, numbly, as the hours ticked by.

She was panicking, though she'd hate to admit it. A part of her was going insane, hating that she was stuck here, hating that she was alone, and worst of all, hating that she had no idea where Eren was.

It confused her. Why did she care so much?

Yet, the hatred for the boy was slowly fading, being replaced by a growing nausea, a fear, an anxiety so stressful, that she felt dizzy and had to lie down on the couch.

Eren was in serious trouble. She could feel it. She could sense it in her nerves, in her stomach, in her mind, as though they were connected.

* * *

Eren woke up several times and passed out again from the pain.

He fell into a dream state, where he remained partly conscious and aware of the throbbing pain and pooling warmth beneath him, the smell of blood and flesh and sweat.

But he was also in a daze, and as the wind rustled his hair, he dreamt that he was back home, under the tree with Mikasa sitting beside him.

"Eren, we should go." Mikasa said, her hair dancing in the breeze. Eren felt like laughing at her and her enormous pile of firewood.

"Mikasa, let's just stay here…a little longer…" he sighed, leaning back against the cool bark of the tree.

"But Eren, it's getting late. And you already had a nap."

He rolled his eyes. "Mikasa, sit down, will you?!"

She blinked and discarded the firewood, planting herself right next to him.

He leaned his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes. He smelled the familiar raspberry scent, the musk, and the sweetness of a rose. How did she smell _so_ good? He didn't smell like that, and they did all of the same things together. It was just another thing she was better than him at.

Smelling.

He had a feeling something was off; this all seemed too pleasant to be real. But he didn't care. He had Mikasa with him, after all. As long as she was near him, he felt at ease, at home…

"Eren…"

"Come on, Mikasa, relax…You're always so uptight, fussing about this and that…let's just enjoy this while we can …"

"Eren, we can't stay. We have to go back."

He lifted one eyelid and saw that the sky had turned an ashy gray; the grass had died and the sun had disappeared. The tree had lost its color as well, and the blackened branches stood stark and dreadful against the sky.

Mikasa was no longer beside him, but standing in front of him, older, as she was now.

"We have to go back," she said again, reaching out to him. Her eyes flickered to the side, where a group of soldiers passed on their way to the walls, beaten, sullen, and lifeless. They carried a wagon full of the deceased, and even from the distance, Eren thought the bodies looked suspiciously familiar.

"I'm scared to," he whispered. The sky cackled with lightning. The wind stirred up again, but it was no longer a refreshing breeze. It was a hateful gust: a warning.

"I am too," she replied, her eyes clear and determined. "But we're in this together."

He nodded and took her hand.

* * *

His eyes flew open.

Blood drizzled out of his mouth, and his lips were chapped and cracked.

His body had regenerated mostly, but the pain was still there, and all too real.

He coughed, attempting to turn over and gasping as agony flared through his legs. Nope. Nope, nope, nope. He laid back, his face to the early peeking stars.

He searched his surroundings, realizing he was on the bank of the river, his titan form still steaming next to him. He'd survived the fall. Somehow.

He tried to move again, but his body screamed in retaliation and he fell back again, coughing and suddenly very afraid. His leg was bent in the wrong direction, and his chest felt as though it had been trampled by horses. He was still healing, but it would take a long time to get back to normal. And he didn't have time.

He was alone. He was critically injured. If he didn't get out of here, titans weren't the only thing he had to worry about.

He swore, building up strength, and then he flipped onto his stomach, his nails digging into the earth with the pain that radiated through his body. He lifted himself up, but his arms started to shake and he fell down again. Dammit.

Then something in the moonlight caught his eye. It rippled in the wind, snagged on a prickly bush, ghostly, but defiant and alive. Much like him.

He dragged himself towards it and reached out, already certain of what it was before his bloody fingers clasped around it.

He pulled, and the scarf came free, the old red cloth fluttering around him.

* * *

Mikasa was pacing, despite her injuries. Actually, the pain felt good. It reminded her that she was alive.

The door creaked open and her heart leapt.

But Hanji and Levi entered, followed by the others. Their low spirits triggered her fear again.

"You didn't find him?" she asked immediately.

Armin blinked back tears.

"Armin?"

"We found his horse, but that's all…and it was pretty shaken up…"

Mikasa stumbled. Fear had enveloped her, and she had no control of it. She suddenly dropped to her knees, the images in her head too much to take. A similar event, a cloudy sky. Armin in tears, in shock. Eren was gone. Eren was dead. She'd wanted to die. She'd given up; she'd let go.

Mikasa grabbed her head painfully. The migraine pounded against her skull like a hammer trying to take on the job of an ax and split firewood.

The gears shifted and she saw him emerge from the titan. His heart beating against her ear, her tears gushing, her throat constricting with happiness. She saw his bright smile, the one she so rarely saw, she saw him first don the military attire, standing proudly in the mirror. She saw him throw an apple at an old man and grab her hand and pull her along.

"Mikasa?" someone called her name. It was distant. Far off.

She convulsed, losing all her control. Guilt and hate and love intertwined, like string weaving in and out of a knitted sweater. Her brain screamed, and the war inside her head made her want to vomit.

A hand landed on her shoulder, and she expected to see Armin standing there, frowning with concern. Only it wasn't Armin.

It was Levi.

He crouched down next to her, silent, but tangibly present. And for some odd reason, she was glad he was there. The understanding in his eyes kept her from giving in to the whirlwind inside her.

* * *

**Thank you for all the reviews! They made me feel SO happy. You guys are the best.**

**BTW, if you're wondering about Levi and Mikasa, some things have been revealed in the manga, and I've been incorporating what those "things" have hinted at...because it's awesome.**

**Lol okay, I'll update as soon as I can!**


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